The Vanquished - Week 7

The college football regular season is half over and division races in both the SEC and ACC are wide open. The few surprises so far this year may end up creating surprise winners when all is said and done, but for now we’ll focus on this week’s losers.

In the SEC the game of the week is Arkansas versus Auburn. The Tigers will be trying to keep their perfect season perfect and would love nothing better than to add a little pork to their diet. Razorback hides are notoriously tough though, and the sooie pigs from Fayetteville can be hard to catch. Nevertheless by the end of the night there’ll be an apple in Bobby Petrino’s mouth for a genuine lower Alabama pig pickin’. Van’s Vanquished, Arkansas.

South Carolina goes to Kentucky with its first top 10 ranking in a long time. In Lexington Steve Superior and the Gamecocks will try to prove that last week’s vanquishing of Alabama wasn’t a fluke. The Garnet and Black Roosters have been flying high this week, but will find some bluegrass Wildcats ready and able to pounce. Van’s Vanquished, South Carolina.

Florida welcomes former Gator assistant Dan Mullen and his Mississippi State Bulldogs to Gainesville. The Swamp is familiar territory to Mullen, but the Gators are a little lost in the midst of a two-game losing streak. The Maroon Mutts may be rabid, but the Orange and Blue Reptiles are cold-blooded and won’t take kindly to puppies nipping at their tails. Van’s Vanquished, Mississippi State.

In the “who really cares?” conference game of the week, Vanderbilt plays in its 1000th Homecoming Game when it goes to Georgia. The last time Vandy and UGA had the same number of conference wins this late in the season they were in the Southern Conference together. The Athens Acolytes will be introducing their newest mascot UGA VIII (that’s “ate” for some of y’all) in what, aside from a certain victory, will be the highlight of the day. Van’s Vanquished, Vanderbilt.

Elsewhere, Coach Vegas and LSU will vanquish McNeese State.

Sad but true, the ACC has no interesting matchups this week. Ol’ Van is very unmotivated to pick the would be vanquishers when the most “competitive” game is Maryland at Clemson. Let’s start there and get it over with.

The supposedly slimmer Ralph Friedgen leads the Marylanders to South Carolina to face the Tigers. What’s really slimmer is Dabo Swinney’s prospects of continuing as the Clemson coach, and Death Valley has not been exactly deadly lately. The Terps have beat no one of note this year, and the Esso Club’s favorite team is not exactly noteworthy. Still though, the team with the Claws is the home team and that’ll be enough to fear no Turtle. Van’s Vanquished, Maryland.

Butch Davis (we barely knew ya) continues his farewell tour of the ACC by traveling to Virginia to hear some Hoos. Fortunately for him and the Heels, the Cavalier offense is impotent, even against a young defense like UNC’s. Unfortunately for Davis and the Baby Blues, Carolina never wins in Charlottesville. This time will be no different, as the Chapel Hill contingent will find a new way to lose. Van’s Vanquished, North Carolina.

And that my friends, are the two, count ‘em two, games on the ACC slate that make me want to go to any lengths to describe their outcomes. Here are the rest of the vanquished for the week:
Florida State will vanquish Boston College,
Miami will vanquish Duke,
Georgia Tech will vanquish Middle Tennessee State,
North Carolina State will vanquish East Carolina,
And Virginia Tech will vanquish Wake Forest.